Difficult Conversations Made Easy

I step into my office one morning, sick to my stomach knowing I needed to address an interpersonal issue with a team member of mine. I restlessly go over scenarios of how the conversation is going to play out in my head, how they're going to react and how miserable of a process the whole thing is going to be. I push the conversation off a few more days, pretending to be fine as we see each other in the facility. I make small talk, laugh, joke all while I have this ever-growing knot in my stomach.

As time goes on, I find myself resenting this team member more and more, telling myself stories that they're maliciously against me and all I stand for. 7 to 10 days later, I finally muster up the courage to pull this person aside, and address what's been on my mind. By that point, the stories I told myself on how this conversation would go (horribly to say the least) all came to fruition. I ended up dumping everything I found wrong with their behavior, why it was bad, how we needed it to change and if they had any questions....talk about not leaving the conversation doing cartwheels.

Since then, I've had A LOT more practice with how to best have these conversations. The thing I appreciate most about an upcoming difficult conversation is that it forces us into an emotional state, in which we can either respond or react. It's an opportunity for us to notice, regulate and manage our emotions...emotional training if you will. Those who are better able to emotionally regulate are shown to have lower levels of stress, increased resilience, better relationships and higher levels of connection.

I'd like to share a framework that's influenced from the book Difficult Conversations, which has a been a life-altering read. Not only have I used this framework in the business world, it's aided me in conversations with my spouse, close friend and even my parents.

State Your Intention: Before going into a conversation guns-a-blazing towards an emotional dump, start by verbally stating your intention for having the conversation in the first place. This sets the tone and expectation for both parties regarding the desired outcome. If not, it's likely that each parties assumptions and emotions will take the wheel, spinning out, and crashing to productivity-car, leaving everyone unsatisfied.

Something as simple as "Hey before we start, I just want you to know my intention for this conversation is to better understand why we didn't see eye to eye in that meeting and find some common ground" can go a long way for keeping the room emotionally stable.

Stay Curious About Their Story: More times than not, our default mode tends to resemble that of a court room. We look for holes in the other persons case to prove them wrong and/or insert how our argument is right. We choose to keep our armor on, only intersted in getting the person across the table to agree with our assertions. Unfortunately, this approach has a low success rate with finding resolution, as the other person is most likely playing the same game. Rather than engage in verbal hand to hand combat, begin by seeking to understand their perspective.

If I were to go back to my coaching days as a personal trainer, I remember one of the best ways to get people to express their true thoughts was to ask them open-ended questions. We'll want to apply the same principal here, through an authentically curious lens. Understanding the other persons story will not only fill in the gaps to your own story, but it's essential to move towards the desired outcome. Examples of good open ended questions could look something like:

• "Can you help me understand why you feel we're not aligning here?"
• "What's the narrative going on in your head? Clue me in"
• "Tell me more about how you perceived that meeting went?"

Acknowledge Joint Contribution: If one thing is for certain, every "sticky" situation exists via joint contribution. Most of it stems from a lack of communication on the account of both parties. If you scroll back up to the top of the page and re-read my story, there are a number of behaviors that I contributed to the weight of that difficult conversation. First and foremost, I shouldn't have waited that long to have the conversation. I also learned that I didn't set clear expectations with this person in the first place.

The acknowledgment of your contribution to the situation typically shows up after you've gathered their side of the story. Our immediate reaction is to get defensive once it's illuminated, in efforts to self preserve. The key is to take responsibility for your contribution (intended or un-intended) and...most importantly...apologize. You may be wondering, "why would I apologize when they are in the wrong?". Again, this isn't about winning and losing. This is about reaching the desired outcome. Apologizing will immediately increase the positive emotional energy in the room, ultimately getting the other person to lower their guard and be more receptive to your thoughts. From there, you're more likely to find a resolution.

Circumvent the "Blame Game": We're wired to self preserve and avoid conflict/harm. This will always show up in any tense situation via elevated emotions, heart rate, blood pressure, ultimately informing our strategy to be combative, defensive or flee if we're not mindful. On top of being more emotionally responsive vs. reactive, the language we use is of critical importance. To avoid blaming the other person of what's happening, operate the conversation from this perspective:

"I" vs. "You": The only thing we can confidently speak from is our own thoughts, feelings and experiences. Navigating your way through these conversations with statements like "I feel...", "The story I'm telling myself is..." vs. "You said..." or "You are being..." will go a long way to collaborative dialogue. There is a massive difference between saying "I feel you may be getting frustrated" and "You're getting frustrated". To avoid language that is loaded with accusation and blame, narrate your side of the story from your perspective not THE perspective.

Wrapping it Up

The way I look at it is if I'm not having frequent difficult conversations, I'm not effectively growing. If I'm not effectively growing, I'm unable to serve my family, community nor am I on the right trajectory towards my overall goals. The pain of having a high-stakes conversation is far less than the idea of remaining stagnant.

A good friend and mentor of mine once said "You abdicate your right to be upset with someone if you never told them how you felt in the first place". What I'll add and leave you with is on the other side of every difficult conversation is deeper, more authentic relationship. It's worth the discomfort of getting there.