Gossip: The "Feel-Good" Poison

Gossip...just saying the word evokes a sensation down my spine, similar to when we'd sneak out into the kitchen after bedtime to grab some Oreo's at my Abuelita's, hoping she wouldn't wake. Another way to frame it up is like scratching when you had the chicken pox. We knew it was wrong but MAN it was a drug like feeling of euphoria! Let's talk about what gossip is, why we do it and the impact it has on our relational health.

What's Gossip?

"The tea", "The deets", "The goods"...gossip has many names yet the definition is the same. Gossip refers to the act of sharing information about the personal affairs of others without their knowledge or consent, typically involving perceptions vs. facts. Traditionally, it carries a negative energy around a person or situation in todays society. Gossip originated as a communication means for self preservation purposes in social constructs. It was used to from stronger bonds between others as a strategy to influence and gain social status.

Believe it or not, I've been guilty of a good gossip session and have been on both sides of "spilling/drinking the tea". I think we can all agree that it's almost impossible not to gossip as we endure the social jungle of middle school/high school. Even after those formative adolescent years, I can recall participating in gossip early in my career. Working in the health and fitness industry for almost 15 years, you get exposed to a lot of "peopling" and guess what...most of the conversations I had with clients/team members were not revolved around sets and reps. People would bring their whole lives into an hour personal training session with me, talking about their spouses, sister, co-worker, etc as if the goal of our session was to fix that person vs. complete our met-con circuit. A lot of the time, gossip is subconscious. We don't even know we're doing it as it can be so engrained in our social habits. The unfortunate truth is that it breaks more relationships than it builds.

Culture Kryptonite

Whether it's your family, organization, or vocational group, gossip can bring culture to its knees. A good culture is build on trust, safety and communication. This is important to ensure the entity and all of those involved are moving in an anabolic direction. My previous blog, Difficult Conversations Made Easy, dovetails into mitigating gossip within groups. Challenging conversations is a fundamental principle when it comes to ensuring a positive culture. It provides transparency and alignment within the people, allowing them to collaborate and connect more productively. A powerful saying to live by is that we abdicate our right to be upset with someone/something if we don't speak up and address them/it directly.

3 Ways to Break the Cycle

The first step to addressing any behavior change is to become aware. These three reflective questions can help drive awarenss and break the subconscious cycle.

• What is my intention? Sometimes we have intentions to find solutions to problems while other times our intention is to simply blow off steam. It's easy to convince ourselves that venting about someone is actually anabolic and productive. Before sharing information with another, particularly about somone else, be sure to identify your intention. If you find that there isn't anything constructive behind it, you may want to re-think sharing.
• Is what I'm saying (and who I'm saying it to) helping the situation/person? Similarly to point number 1, if you find that the information you were going to exchange doesn't help the situation after saying it, it may be wise to reconsider. A perfect example from my early fitness training days:

1. Trainer 1: "Suzy client is always late for her PT appointments with me...I should charge her double"
2. Trainer 2: "Yea, isn't this like the 10th time she's been late?"
3. Trainer 1: "Feels like the 100th...I can't stand her"

The banter ensues. If Trainer 1 really is looking to solve a problem, they may want to pivot their approach like so:

1. Trainer 1: "Suzy client is always late for her PT appointments with me...any advice on how to get her to show up on time"
2. Trainer 2: "Yea, have you had a conversation with her about it yet?"
3. Trainer 1: "No, I don't want things to be awkward between us"
4. Trainer 2: "I have a few thoughts that could help you. Let's grab some time around lunch to discuss".

• What's it feel like? Going back to my chicken pox and scratching analogy up top, while the itching feels good in the moment, we're still left with the burning, insatiable feeling of wanting to scratch. With gossip, the problem we were venting about with someone else may feel good in the moment, but we're still left with feelings of anger/frustration because we haven't truly addressed it appropriately. If you leave an exchange with someone without a productive actionable, it's likely we just exited a gossip session.

Closing

For those looking to enrich relationships and help those around you, be on the lookout for gossip (within yourself and others). Mastering the awareness and skills to pivot away from this socially accepted form of communication can do wonders for relational health.